Genre: Fantasy
Title: “IT”
I was just a teenager when it all happened…when I saw it. It was big. It was ugly…And I hope that I never see it again. I was eating a McDonald’s apple pie when the first strange thing happened. The local bakery (that I usually buy my crispy bread from) had a sign on it saying “DON’T LOOK BACK”. I thought Tony (the owner) was just messing around, so I turned around but nothing happened. I ignored this and carried on down the road. As I crossed the road, I heard a whisper in my ear saying “DON’T LOOK BACK”. I turned around but no one was there. That was the second thing that just was not right.
The next day I told my friends at school. They said that I was going crazy and I should try to forget about it. At lunchtime I was walking in the library when I saw Mrs.Garner drop a pile of her work. I went over to help but when I got there I realised that there was a book with the title “DON’T LOOK BACK”. I stopped in my tracks staring at the book. Why did I keep seeing these three words. Did it mean something? Was it meant to be some kind of joke? Or was I just going crazy?
I walked home with David (my best friend) that day. I was going to prove to him that I wasn’t going crazy. When we got to the bakery, there was a boy around the same age as me and he was taking the sign off the window. I suspected he worked there and I just hadn’t seen him before so I carried on walking. “Are you David McCarthy” he said. “Yes I am, why” answered David. “Come with me” said the boy.”We’ve been expecting you”. David tried to punch the boy in the face but he ended up punching through him. We were both very scared. We both started running but then we were hit with something heavy. Something similar to a cricket bat.
When I woke up, there was slobber all over his face. Like an animal was dribbling on me. I sat up. I was in some kind of emerald hut. David was lying next to me. A woman came into the room. She was with a species of a dog or cat. To be honest I couldn’t even tell if it was a dog or a cat. All I new was that it had four legs, was brown and it had one black eye and one red eye.” Are you alright master” she said. “Yes” I answered. “The carnies have been waiting for you and now you are finally here”. I was confused and scared at the same time. I didn’t know where I was, what a carnie was, and most of all…what did all this mean?
I got up and went outside…….there, standing in front of me was one thousand maybe two thousand purple creatures. My jaw dropped. My mind was processing what i had just seen. “hooray he’s finally here” they said. They treated me like a king. I slapped myself so I could wake up but this only lead to pain. What I was seeing was actually real. A man pulled me aside. “I am Douglas and this is my wife Barbara”(this was the woman who called me master). They told me everything about this place and who these creatures were. They told me that the same thing happened to them and they were going to kill me. “DON’T LOOK BACK”.
May 10, 2015 at 10:58 pm
The best thing about badges is that you can choose a badge and just aim for it!
I’m so please that you chose to write this here and share it with me. I’d be really interested to know which ‘fantasy’ books you have read and how they have influenced you to write this piece.
I like the idea of a repeated phase that your character finds inescapable.
Target:
Choose one setting and make all of your action happen there – give us a clear sense of who your character is and how they are feeling whilst focussing on how on the what they can see, hear. How might you use setting to reflect how your character is feeling?
May 11, 2015 at 10:11 am
I will try to make this peice better using your advice
May 13, 2015 at 1:30 pm
Hello,
I can see that you have really put some thought into this since your last piece of feedback. I think your opening is much more effective.
Target
Have a look at this sentence:
‘I was very surprised. I was not expecting this at all. ‘ rather than telling us this, how might you SHOW this to your reader?
June 3, 2015 at 8:12 am
Hello Josh,
I can really see how far this has come. I’d like to read this through with you in person to suggest some idea about how to develop it and slowly build and release tension.
When is good for you to do this?
Mr North
June 3, 2015 at 1:58 pm
Thank you sir
Wednesday lesson would be good
June 24, 2015 at 6:18 pm
I think I have achieved the badge. Can you please check it for me